Grief lingers in quiet moments—a familiar scent, a song, a date on the calendar. It's a universal experience, yet one that often arrives when we least expect it. Has grief ever taken you by surprise?
I remember when my partner and I first moved to Tasmania, I struggled with huge waves of grief. This was the first house we would live in after the passing of my beloved fur-child, and she would not be coming with us. At the time, I thought it was irrational for me to be re-experiencing such grief, but turns out….it's completely normal. Many people think of grief as something that happens for only a short while after the death of someone we love, but it can linger in our lives far beyond just that moment. We may lose someone once, but we continue to lose them every time memory knocks on the door and reminds us that they are no longer with us. The impact of that first loss can deepen with each subsequent loss we face.
But loss is not always about life and death. We also grieve the end of relationships, the erasure of an identity, or the forfeit of a long-held dream. This form of grief is what American thanatologist, Cole Imperi, describes as a Shadowloss™.
(Cole Imperi at Tedx - Shadowloss: Shedding Light on our Hidden Grief)
These losses, unlike death, are often not fully accepted by society as events worth grieving, yet they reverberate through and impact on all aspects of our health - mental, emotional, physical, and social. Cole explains that Shadowloss is a loss IN life, not always a loss of life. Things like divorce, bankruptcy, a medical diagnosis, infertility, the departure of a beloved pet, or even the loss of one’s faith are all forms of hidden loss. In these situations, grief becomes more complex, as we might feel like we’re mourning something that the world doesn’t fully acknowledge. Yet, these losses hit hard too, and their invisible nature can make it difficult to ask for support.
Then there’s a certain kind of grief that’s harder to define - ambiguous loss. This form of loss is tricky because it doesn’t guarantee closure. We know something is gone, yet we can’t quite pinpoint what it is. It can be the cognitive disappearance of a loved one through Alzheimer’s or dementia, where their body remains, but their essence seems to fade. It can also appear when a partner becomes emotionally distant and checked out, leaving us mourning the relationship even though it technically still exists. Ambiguous loss can leave us feeling confused and unsure of what exactly we are grieving, making the process even more difficult to navigate.
Grief doesn’t have to be grand to matter. We grieve the loss of connection, the loss of a certain way of living, or the future we once envisioned for ourselves. We accumulate these losses as we move through life, and each one contributes to our overall experience of grief. Although it may feel like a reckoning, grief is not something that should be viewed as punishment or a battle to be won. I don’t even believe that grief is something to be cured or erased, but rather, accepted as a part of who we are - attachment-based beings who have capacity to develop beautiful and enduring emotional connections.
Often, grief is clouded by negative emotions—anger, frustration, envy, or even self-blame. We might question why the loss happened or dwell on the unfairness of it all. But in those moments, it can be a kindness to remind ourselves that the devastation we feel is only there because we were fortunate enough to experience something meaningful in the first place. The presence of grief is a testament to the significance of what we’ve lost. Gratitude can become an invaluable tool when coping with grief.
Gratitude doesn’t erase the pain, but it allows us to honour the memory of what we loved, rather than focusing solely on its absence. This doesn’t mean denying the pain or pretending everything is fine. Instead, it’s about holding bittersweet emotions in the same space. We can mourn deeply while also thinking positively about the experiences, relationships, or moments that have been a part of our lives. In its own way, grief can become a gateway to deeper appreciation for the transient nature of all things.
As a counsellor, I see grief take on many forms, and almost everyone who walks through my door is grieving in some way. Many people carry the weight of shadow losses or ambiguous losses that others may not see or fully understand. Whether it stems from the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or a decline in our own health, grief eventually finds its way into all of our lives. It’s part of what makes us human, and it’s a reminder to approach others with empathy and grace. Loss lives in us all.