Teenagers: they defy curfews, push boundaries, and challenge authority at every turn. But what if rebellion isn't just a phase, rather an essential part of their biology?
Over the years, I’ve worked with numerous parents who tell me that their teenager seems to blatantly ignore and dismiss them, yet, when they are told the same information by someone else - a friend, a coach, or a neighbour, they take what is said as gospel. How frustrating, and yet, this is an incredibly common experience for parents! What the heck is up with the double standard?
The truth is, kids are biologically wired from around the age of 13 to ignore what parents say. It’s not them just being defiant or uncooperative. It’s how us humans are programmed to respond to puberty. In fact, a fairly recent study from the Stanford School of Medicine has discovered that adolescent brains do not register their mothers’ voices in the same way they do as young children.
The study, which was published in the Journal of Neuroscience, used MRI technology to observe the brains of children while they listened to their mother’s voice, compared to an unfamiliar female voice. What they found was that children aged 13 and older had heightened activity in the reward centre of their brains when listening to the unfamiliar voice. In contrast, those younger than 13 had heightened activity when listening to their mother’s voice. (Remembering, the reward centre of the brain is what is responsible for associative learning and positive reinforcement - i.e. motivation and feel good emotions)
What this means is that as your child becomes a teenager, they become more receptive to outside influences other than their parents. American biohacker Dave Asprey jokes that ‘Mother Nature makes children know their parents and immediate family are so stupid that the best thing they can do is leave the family, take their chances on the savannah, and go to another tribe. This is to prevent inbreeding in tribes of 150 people; from about 13 until about 24, that’s the peak fertility window, and that’s when parents are really dumb’ (of course, not actually - just from a teen’s perspective!). It’s only when our brains become fully developed (at around age 25) that parents become really smart again.
So, while this can be a really frustrating ‘decade of defiance’ for parents, it’s actually a really important and essential part of human development. As your child moves into adolescence, their brains will start to prioritise autonomy, exploration, and forming their own identity. They will start seeking input from others outside of their immediate family and engaging with broader society. More importantly, they need access to safe and responsible ‘others’ to listen to as they start relying less & less on your input. It takes a village.
Parents are not meant to be their child’s only perspective in life, and having just one healthy non-parent relationship can make a huge difference in a child’s life trajectory. Can you think back to your own childhood and remember an auntie, uncle, teacher, sports coach, or even the parent of a friend that held space for you or taught you an important lesson? I still remember my secondary teacher Ms. Black who told me that ‘you never really learn anything unless you teach it’ and that was certainly true for me. In my years as an educator, I learned more about the English language through teaching it than I had from simply speaking it over the course of my life. It taught me humility, which is something teenage-me would have never taken on board from a parent with my ‘I know best’ and ‘You just don’t get it’ attitude.
This is why community is so valuable - there is wisdom in the counsel of many. While your teen may tune out your voice directly, what you as a parent can do is indirectly expose your child to adults whose voices, perspectives, and guidance you trust. Choose your circles carefully so that there is cohesiveness in ideals and goals. Partner with teachers or club leaders, coaches, counsellors, or mentors so that your child is surrounded by adults who can be positive influences and role models for them.
Apart from that, it’s important to accept that while your role as a parent is to establish clear boundaries and expectations, an adolescent's role is to push against those boundaries and test those limits. Learning how to be defiant in a safe space is good for development. Each child will be different, of course, but I think understanding this is stage normal and natural can help parents take a more objective approach to navigating these wayward years. It can help them lead with empathy and a desire to walk alongside their children - to be curious rather than furious. And, a little less annoyed when their teen just doesn't listen!