The Self

Our relationships are our greatest teachers. As family therapist Dick Schwartz puts it, our partners are our ‘tor-mentors’ - they torment us by stirring up old wounds. But they also mentor us by showing us, again and again, the places inside of us that are tender and still need care. 

It usually doesn’t take much. A lame sigh, an annoyed tone, a short response, and suddenly our stress circuits activate and the nervous system flips into high alert. In the brain, the amygdala (our internal threat-detector) lights up, sending signals that something isn’t safe. The areas that process social pain, like the anterior cingulate cortex, respond much like they would if we’d been physically attacked.

This is why a small moment of disconnection with a partner can feel so big. If we don’t have an underlying sense of emotional trust, safety, and reliability in the relationship, our whole nervous system will interpret and register the moment as a threat - something dangerous and risky, and to be avoided at all costs. So what happens next? Well, we tend to go back to the first strategies we learned as children whenever there was a relational rupture. Some of us learned that when criticism or judgement comes our way, the safest thing we can do is to make ourselves small and hope that the attacker gets bored and goes away. Some of us learned to forgo our own needs and give in to the other. Some of us learned to push the discomfort out of awareness with distractions or dissociation. Some of us learned to put up walls in order to shield us from further harm. Some of us even learned to go numb or shut down.

We all have different strategies that were at one time helpful, potentially even lifesaving. But, do they still serve you today? Do they support your relationships, and allow you to interact with curiosity, compassion, and calm, or………are they stuck in the past, latched on to old patterns and preventing you from showing up as your genuine Self? I wish to invite you to reflect on this with me.

Think for a moment about the last time you experienced conflict, in any kind of relationship. It could be with your family, your partner, or someone from work. Try to remember the situation and put yourself back into the scene. What was happening for you internally? Was your heart beating fast, or were your thoughts going a hundred miles a minute? Was your face flushing, or your stomach doing flips? What do you notice about the sensations happening in your body? Just focus on that.

Now, see if you can notice how that sensation feels familiar. When did you first notice this strategy or reaction showing up in your life? See if you can just separate yourself a little, so that ‘you’ of today can see the ‘you’ that had to figure things out back then.  Can you see or hear them? Can they see or hear you? If so, you’ve just met a part - one of the many inner voices that make up your internal system. In Internal Family Systems Therapy, we see these parts as natural expressions of the mind, each carrying a story, a role, and a wish to protect us.

When you can notice this part, the one that jumps in to protect you, you’re already doing something powerful. You’re beginning to see that it isn’t all of who you are, it’s simply a part of you that learned, long ago, how to help you survive and make sense of the world. It might still believe that you’re that same child in need of protecting! But the truth is, beneath all of our protective parts is our Self - the essence of who we are when we are not caught up in our defenses or fears. It's the gentle and grounded presence that can hold space for all of our parts with understanding rather than judgement. Dick Schwartz describes the Self as having 8 core traits: calm, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, connectedness., and clarity.  

When we lead from this place of Self, our inner world begins to feel more spacious. The parts of us that have been working so hard to keep us safe can finally start to relax. They begin to trust that there’s somebody steady at the helm, someone who can listen and care, and respond rather than react. 

The beauty of this work is that it’s not about getting rid of our parts or judging them for the ways they show up. It’s about getting to know them, with curiosity and kindness. Every part of us has a story. Every strategy was, at some point, an attempt to help. When we can acknowledge that, we begin to transform the inner conflict into inner connection. 

So next time you find yourself in tension with someone, a partner, a friend, a colleague, try pausing for a moment. See if you can notice which part of you has stepped forward. Is it the one that wants to fix things straight away? The one that withdraws? The one that gets defensive, angry, or shuts down? Then, rather than trying to push it away, you might simply say inwardly, “I see you. I know you’re trying to help. You don’t have to manage this on your own anymore.”

That small act of noticing changes everything. It lets your Self step forward to lead. From that place, we become more able to stay present, to listen, and to respond in ways that align with who we truly are, not just who we learned to be.

As you move through your relationships this month, I invite you to keep an eye out for your parts. Notice when they appear and what they’re trying to protect. Meet them with gentleness. With practice, you’ll find that they soften, making room for more calm, connection, and authenticity in all your relationships.