Empty Empathy

Amelia prided herself on being a good listener. She was the friend everyone turned to in a crisis, the partner who always showed up and wanted to ‘do the work’. She spoke about her ability to feel the energy in the room as if it were a superpower - and it was, just not the kind that makes you strong or resilient. Her hyper-attunement incurred a cost. Underneath all that reliability was a habit of self-abandonment followed by resentment. “I give and give and give, and all it does is wear me down. Others are never there for me the same way that I am for them. It freakin’ sucks!” 

She thought of it as compassion fatigue, but what we uncovered was something deeper - a lifelong pattern of over-responsibility for others emotions. She learned from a young age that her needs came last, and that closeness meant acquiescing to someone else's experience or expectations. She thought she was showing empathy, but true empathy invites us to witness with curiosity and care, rather than absorb. 

A girl shares her umbrella.

Unfortunately, this is a pattern which often shows up in relationships. In couples sessions, it’s not uncommon to hear things like “When my partner is upset, it’s like I can’t relax until they’re okay. I don’t even tell what I’m feeling anymore”. Or, “Every time we have an argument, they get emotional and I have to comfort them, so my feelings never get heard!”.

If this sounds like you or someone you know, you’re not alone. A lot of people mistake empathy for cycles of enmeshment, which refers to a dynamic in relationships where the emotional boundaries have become blurred. In enmeshed relationships, individuals may struggle to separate their own emotions, needs, and desires from those of their partner. This can look a lot like kindness. It can even feel like love. But, it often leaves people burnt out, anxious, and disconnected from themselves. 

To understand enmeshment, we have to go back and see how it was learned in childhood. You see, since Amelia was a young girl, she has felt responsible for her mother’s emotional state. Growing up, her mom was often overwhelmed and dissatisfied in her marriage with Amelia’s dad, and would turn to Amelia for comfort and validation. After her parents separated, Amelia learned that the only way to stay close and feel emotionally safe was to side with her mother and mirror her pain.

Meanwhile, Amelia was on her own because her mother wasn’t a person she could genuinely turn to. There was no room for Amelia’s own feelings in that dynamic. If she showed frustration with her mum, or any warmth toward her dad, the connection would freeze. But, when she agreed with her mother’s complaints or soothed her distress, she was granted the acceptance and approval she longed for. 

Children like Amelia are often cast in an ill-fitting role, stepping into the emotional caretaker position for their parents rather than being cared for themselves. They learn not to trust their emotional experiences as important or valid, and end up surviving their youth by tucking away the parts of themselves that feel hurt, vulnerable, or angry. Over time, parentified children come to believe that in order to receive love and belonging, they have to put their own wants and needs aside.

So in her adult relationships, Amelia found herself replaying the same role. Her partner’s mood dictated the atmosphere at home. When anyone else acted upset, she rushed in to fix, to apologize, to please. Not out of empathy, but out of a deeply ingrained belief that closeness depended on her making sure other people were emotionally okay. 

Healing from patterns of enmeshment involves learning how to stay connected without losing yourself. This process is called differentiation, and it’s the ability to hold on to your sense of self while remaining emotionally open to others. When faced with another’s distress, a differentiated person allows that emotion to exist without trying to fix it or take it on. They can stay curious, calm, and compassionate. 

When you start to recognize the cycles of enmeshment and over-empathizing, it becomes possible to create a different style of relationship - one built on emotional intimacy, rather than emotional dependence. At first it may feel awkward, or even guilt-inducing, to let go of the responsibility for managing what others are feeling, or to maintain emotional integrity in moments that once called for self-sacrifice. However, if you can learn to tolerate the initial discomfort of doing things a little differently, something can shift and space will open up for genuine closeness and connection to come into your life.